I wandered, naively into parenthood in April of two thousand and two. My level of ignorance was not any higher than any other first timer but the arrogance that I had any control over the situation was pretty impressive. We welcomed our daughter into the world and then one calendar month later I was back out on tour. In hindsight that seems like a ridiculously small amount of paternity leave for someone who is their own boss. However, I try to allow myself some grace that performing was how I made my living and I now had a wife and a family to provide for. So, with a tour bus idling outside I sat in our bedroom and wept.
The tour was successful on paper but divisive in real life. At the peak of our success we decided to pivot and try something different. Not a good business move but a necessary one creatively. The album was polarizing and a lot of people were open about not liking it. Over the years it turns out that it just needed time to breathe and for people to grow into it. At the time, on that first tour we were met with blank stares from the audience a lot of the time. That’s how I remember it anyway. The decision was made to cut back what would have been a “world tour” to regroup and start working on another record. We bought a recording studio and started writing. It was then that I finally found some time at home with my new family.
In the early aughts my wife and I were the first of our social circle to have kids and there is nothing more off-putting to the childless twenty something than a toddler. Its great now that the kids can are all older and we’re not even fifty but at the time it was really lonely. It was hard to relate to our peers, so we kept to ourselves mostly. The concept of a “stay at home Dad” wasn’t as common a thing in those days so I never talked at the park with the moms. I’d take kiddo to indoor playtime at the community center and would be the only male in there over four years old. The trade off was that I got to be home and write songs and spend time with this tiny human that I was getting to know. My wife already knew our daughter really well but she was pretty brand new to me and I wanted to celebrate that.
I had the Leonard Cohen song “Hallelujah” stuck in my head and wondered if I could write something like that. I’ve been a song writer for a couple of years now, surely I can compete with one of the greatest songs by one of the great musical poets. I was a young parent, only twenty three and filled with hubris. I sat down at the piano that we had inherited from my mother-in-law but it was painfully out of tune. We opened the literal Yellow Pages and found a tuner who was completely blind. He joked that he was the Daredevil of piano tuners and got the old girl swooning. So, I sat down and wrote a waltz about parental love.
This falls into a songwriting category that in my young mind was called “shit nobody cares about”. Since I didn’t know anyone else that was a parent there was no way for them to relate to the lyrics. I decided to make them intentionally obtuse. It sounds like a love song to a partner or spouse and that vague universality was by design. At the time I was actively writing songs about other people’s divorces (Guilt Show) because I thought “I love my wife, I love my kids, everything is good now” didn’t make for very interesting lyrics. In hindsight, as an older and hopefully wiser person I can see that is exactly what makes this song meaningful.
The tracks were recorded at The Black Lodge in Eudora, KS with Ed Rose at the helm and the Pope Brothers as the backup band. All the piano and reverse guitar noise is all me. All the vocals are me backed up by a choir of myself. Hollerin’ “la, la, la, la” into the can. The introduction of the drums in the middle of that part are one of my favorite moments on this album. They sound so huge! An alternate “demo” version of the song that is more stripped down and acoustic guitar driven appears on the Vagrant “Another Year On The Streets Vol. 3” compilation. I can never keep track of how many of those things there are or which of my songs are on them. Those and skateboarding / BMX videos are always some random person’s introduction to my work and I rarely know what they are talking about but am grateful they found it.
Another place that has happened with this song in particular is that it was licensed for an episode of “The OC” which makes a certain amount of sense since that show is very California-centric. The album art has also appeared in some similar dramas that feature a teenager’s room. I guess Vagrant was the place to call if you needed posters for an angry teen. It’s ironic that so many of the songs on this record are about adulthood but used as the background for teenage angst. That makes me laugh.
This song, for me marks a growth point as a songwriter. I don’t hear any agression in it but it’s still powerful. That’s the thing I wanted to accomplish with New Ams from the beginning. To be, I don’t want to say “emotional” but that’s the only word that comes to mind, without having to resort to just anger or volume. Maybe “if it’s too loud, you’re too old” is correct, this is a song you can listen to with your grandma. That’s the idea anyway.
p.s. My daughter Lily (who the song is about) is performing with me on the upcoming tour. I don’t think she reads these essays but regardless, don’t bring it up at the gig. She’ll die of embarrassment. Though, now that I think of it, that’s kind of my job as her father. Right? Ha.
Tour starts this week. I hope we’ll see you at one of the shows.
Feb. 26th - Phoenix, AZ - Valley Bar
Feb. 27th - San Diego, CA - Soda Bar
Feb. 28th - Pioneertown, CA - Pappy & Harriet’s
Mar. 1st - Santa Ana - Constellation Room
Mar. 2nd - Los Angeles, CA - Permanent Records
Mar. 4th - San Francisco, CA - Bottom Of The Hill
Mar. 6th - Portland, OR - Show Bar
Mar. 7th - Seattle, WA - Sunset Tavern
Mar. 8th - Spokane, WA - The Big Dipper
Mar. 10th - Boise, ID - Shrine Social Club Basement
Mar. 11th - Salt Lake City, UT - Kilby Court
Mar. 13th - Denver, CO - Skylark Lounge
Mar. 15h - Lawrence, KS - Cider Gallery (Just Food Benefit)
Mar 31st - Minneapolis, MN - 7th St. Entry
April 1st - Milwaukee, WI - Anodyne
April 2nd - Chicago, IL - Cobra Lounge
April 3rd - Ferndale, MI - The Loving Touch
April 4th - Cleveland, OH - B Side Lounge
April 7th - Cambridge, MA - Sonia
April 8th - Fairfield, CT - Stage One
April 9th - New York, NY - Mercury Lounge
April 10th - Philadelphia, PA - First Unitarian Church
April 11th - Washington, DC - Songbyrd
April 12th - Richmond, VA - Richmond Music Hall
April 14th - Pittsburgh, PA - Brillobox
April 15th - Columbus, OH - Rumba Cafe
April 16th - Indianapolis, IN - The Hi-Fi
